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Exposing Yourself

(À LA Chris Lee and Anthony Weiner) There is a difference between over exposure and exposing yourself.

Written by Cattie Bratshaw

Twitter, Facebook and Grindr give new definition to “Where’s the beef?”

Have you noticed that too many of life’s moments are now permanently captured in cyberspace?  Digital cameras and iPhones have taken our most treasured, private moments, and digitized them for the entire world to see.  This works fine for birthdays and bar mitzvahs, car crashes and passed-out-drunk evenings, but when did genitalia and titillating body parts come into the equation?

I know we have Xtube, and collegetube, and blondetube (instead of just boob-tube), as well as Grindr, Facebook, Twitter and MeetMeInTheJohn.com – but when did taking a quick shot of yourself in the bathroom or office become part of the workday — not just for the gays, but for, well, members of Congress?  Hey, Chris Lee and Anthony Weiner, welcome to the party! 

I guess taking internet photos of any body part that is normally covered by clothing is the new pick-up line.  Instead of “Hello, you’re cute,” or “Hi, I like your shirt,” we can now say absolutely nothing and send off a photo of our limp dick or shaved pussy.  I’m sorry, our soft penis and groomed vagina.  Why bother saying something interesting or forming a whole sentence? Isn’t a picture worth a thousand words?

So what 3,000+ words did Anthony Weiner say with his photos?

“Look at the small bulge in my crotch and the cheesy light blue underwear I have on. Don’t I look like a high school sophomore wishing someone could get me hard?”

“Isn’t my chest chiseled? I’m a stud. I work out. I am hot. I am tan. I am a stud.  Do you want my lean, ripped body to come over?”

“See, it gets hard.  Want it?”

Let’s face it. Using any of these lines in person would definitely work, even for the unimaginative that you might hit on. Of course, Weiner just sent parts, whereas Lee had his head attached. That is one way to be sure the torso goes with the head, and the blame as well. But headless torsos are the Adonises of this decade. Why ruin a perfectly good come-on torso shot by attaching your head? Talk about scaring the good ones away quick!

Why can’t the straights learn from the gays when it comes to ruining your (political) career, or your future in general?

If you are going to take a photo of your private parts, know that you have made a permanent donation to the Internet’s vast store of images. Someone has it, somewhere in the world. Probably someone is using it, pretending it is a photo of them. In general, stick to the most graphic, detailed, stomach churning photos you can produce, just like the gays. That means a closeup of your raging hard-on; a magnifying-glass photo of your anus, up so close that the rings can be counted and your last meal identified; a shot of just your nipple, either one; cum shots (of which there are a thousand variations, including dribble, spurt, soaked keyboard, drenched stomach, and drippy hand).

You see, if you are going to produce even one public photo (including over your cell phone), you might as well make the best you can. An underwear shot, Mr. Weiner, was something an eighth grader would do when trying to flirt with Becky Beaverstone after school. Next time, stand in your bathroom mirror flexing both biceps while completely naked. Now that will get you re-elected!

Flirting has become the “shirt lift hello.”
Now that the entire world knows what really goes on in photo text messages, email, and online messaging services, we can only expect that there will be an increase in this type of behavior.  And as a result, some common actions will emerge. The first is already the revised hello. Basically, you remove the hello, lift your shirt up to just below your nipple so that your flat stomach is exposed, and send that as your introductory message. That is the qualifying opening line. Without it, everything else is premature and can be dismissed once you either don’t provide this photo, or prove your fat percentage to be over 10% through some other unflattering photo.

You can find the “shirt lift hello” on every gay site, cell phone, email inbox and Grindr profile photo on all seven continents on planet Earth. Well, except for certain South Sea islands. Unfortunately, in New York, tattoos and bellybutton piercings tend to make you much less anonymous. Because the next time someone goes down on you and notices, they will realize they have a few photos of you on their phone and computer that match up…and you won’t be running for office anytime soon.

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