‘I want to get to know you first’ - NOT!
WHY DO SO MANY GAY MEN RUIN POTENTIAL BOYFRIEND MATERIAL BY WAITING TO PUT OUT?
Written by Cattie Bratshaw
Too much free time can be a liability.
Single guys tend to spend a lot of time mooning about how nice it would be to be in a relationship. They envy the married couples around them. They complain about how hard the dating scene is. They pine over not having his-and-his towels, a nice set of dishes, and cuddling up to watch a movie. Shopping at Bed Bath & Beyond depresses them. Yes, in their quest for true love, most of the dates go wrong or end up being unfulfilling.
But what happens with these romantic hopefuls when the date goes really well? Say you’re one of these guys. Now, consider this scenario: Conversation flows well. You laugh, blush, and the flirting goes on all through dinner. You talk breezily about family, friends, work, politics (not religion), and hint at sex. And then he makes a move during dessert — asking you to come back to his place and seal the deal.
You really like this guy. You make out. He (not unnaturally) wants to take it to its natural conclusion in the bedroom. So he makes a move, and that’s when you say, “I really like you. But I don’t believe in sleeping with a guy on the first date. Let’s wait until the second or third date when it will be really right.”
If this is you, you know from bitter experience what comes next. He hasn’t called you back. You email him. No response. You finally text him saying that you had a great time and would like to see him again. He responds with a . You never hear from him again.
Now, Cattie knows that many people think that you shouldn’t put out on the first date. Only sluts do that. You are not a prude by wanting to wait, especially if you like the guy and want something more substantial than a one-night stand. It has to be true, because your mother told you that, right? Sorry, Mom, in the real world it doesn’t work that way. Maybe for single girls. Or, more precisely, maybe it worked that way for single girls in 1962.
He was interested, and you turned him down. Who said there was going to be a second date? Who said you were going to cuddle up with your new china? Who said you should put pressure on someone to fulfill your fantasy and not give him more time to get to know you? You see, there is nothing to lose by having sex on the first date, and a lot to gain.
First off, you will find out real quick if you are sexually compatible. Why have four dates, two movies, and invest time and energy into someone that you end up having bad sex with? True, a relationship is not all about sex. But it is part of a solid foundation — a crucial part. Second, having sex would give you time to talk afterwards. No conversation is as relaxing as post-coital pillow talk. If all went well, you’ll end up discussing that second date. And perhaps a third and fourth. And maybe even shopping for that china. But by saying no, everything is prematurely ended.
All the Single Ladies: Learn From Your Married Friends
Don’t believe me? Take a survey of your longtime married friends. Trust me, you’ll find that they met randomly. They had quickie sex. They discovered after that that they liked each other, that they had a lot in common. So they moved in together. They ended up in a relationship. And they kept having great sex.
When I survey my perennially single friends, I find that they have gone on endless numbers of dates that lead nowhere. As a matter of fact, most of my best friends are people I had sex with first. I often say, most of my friends are former tricks. And I have so many friends. These are the ones who didn’t end up being boyfriends but girlfriends, usually because the sex didn’t work out, but the friendship did. Don’t we all want good sex and a good relationship?
As for those who insist that if you have sex too early, you may find out that you are sexually incompatible … well, that argument confuses me. While the traditional definition of a gay relationship is one on top and one bottom, that recipe isn’t written in stone. I know plenty of top-top and bottom-bottom relationships that have lasted for over 10 years. I know plenty of top-top relationships that are really bottom-bottom, and even more where it is more like flip and flop. The point is, having sex on the first date doesn’t have to include every sexual position or action. Sometimes making out and getting blown after dinner or good old-fashioned frottage (bumping skin without penetration) is enough to get to a second date.
Then there’s the other guy to consider. If he says he wants to get to know you first, forget it: He finds you physically repugnant. How do I know this? Because all men are horndogs. If you go out with a guy and he finds you hot, he is going to want to jump your bones. He’ll probably have his tongue halfway down your throat before you’re out of the restaurant and his hand down your pants before you hit the sidewalk.
By Sean on 04-22-2011