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noiZe Magazine Music Reviews

The Ball & Chain Gang

Since the beginning of recorded history the male members of the species have joined together in ritual dance.

Written by D. Michael Taylor

"Since the beginning of recorded history the male members of the species have joined together in ritual dance. Adorned, semi-naked with rhythm instruments, they used this tribal rite to celebrate their gods and themselves."

-- from The Saint 1980-81 opening season membership invitation

When the announcement was made recently that the California Supreme Court had overturned a ban on same-sex marriage, the Castro district in San Francisco celebrated in classic style -a wild street party, with a full complement of DJs and drag queens. Right-wing "pro-family" groups, eager to find something to denounce after such a resounding defeat, pounced on our hedonistic ways and suggested that this was exactly the sort of bacchanalian nonsense that would pervade the sacred institution now (please ignore the Spitzer behind the curtain.)

The comment boards on influential gay blogs reflected the usual spectrum of gay opinion--which is to say a schizophrenic smattering of venom unleashed on most everyone, including the Castro crowd. We're not even ready for marriage if this is how we're going to act, some seemed to suggest. All of which got me thinking, Carrie Bradshaw-style: For those of us who celebrate life with lights, music, and all-night venues: Is there also room for serious relationships?

The fast-paced world of club life that many gay people live in might seem to be inhospitable to couples at first glance. Many of us live our lives from dance floor to dance floor, getting high and having wild sex, but secretly yearn for a loving relationship.

Yet many couples do exist on the dancefloor, and we are certainly no strangers to contradictions like this. Growing up, many of us lived our lives wallowing in contradiction. Butching it up to avoid detection in the schoolyard, some of us fantasized about getting fucked by the quarterback or the local bully. Our more fabulous brethren often grew up dominating the local drama club, but ended up topping the quarterback behind a dumpster at some point.

Gay men couldn't be more different from lesbians most of the time, yet we are all lumped together by the rest of society. So we march the streets together to secure what is rightfully ours. So why shouldn't we be able to maintain love and fidelity with someone under the mirrorball?

Monogamy: The Ultimate Fetish

Those of us lucky enough to find love sometimes redefine the rules of courtship to include many of our favorite extracurricular activities. In a world that generally shuns us, the rules of social behavior become ours to create from scratch if we so choose - and it is in those choices that the wondrous rainbow of gay culture is born. But with this sort of creative power comes great responsibility, of course, so we all have to find the path with which we are most comfortable.

I started experimenting with the ultimate kink when I went monogamous with my boyfriend almost two years ago. Relationships are never easy, but you know you're with the right boy when the hard work seems worth it every day. No matter how many head-turning asses parade past me, the one waiting at home always satisfies. It's easy to feel like a minority in the gay community sometimes when you're happily partnered. The lesbian jokes are funny at first but grow tired, especially after you get the puppy.

But like discovering La Cage aux Folles for the first time, there seems to be recent evidence that we are not alone after all. Gay couples and families not only exist in huge numbers, but they are apparently just as stable as straight couples over the long-term according to recent research. Mind you, straight couples have set the bar pretty low, but there doesn't seem to be any reason to believe that we are any less capable of handling relationships.

Los Angeles City Hall was mobbed by aspiring newlyweds the day of the California decision. This was not merely an activist impulse on our part, as many of the couples had been forced to wait decades to tie the knot. New York's new Governor Paterson has agreed to recognize any marriage coming out of California (ironically, thanks to Spitzer, we now have an even more gay-friendly gov), so we may soon have full marriage rights on both gay coasts (without the residency requirement of Massachusetts). Many of us eager to get to work destroying the institution of marriage will soon have that right.

But will it still be possible to enjoy the sights and sounds of a great party once this state of wedded bliss occurs?

Circuit Weddings: You Can Have It All

My own experience has been encouraging. I took my boyfriend to his first Circuit event-Ascension in Fire Island Pines-last summer. It was overcast, but it's hard to stay glum at a beach party. We had a few cocktails as the dance floor filled, and were soon lost in the lovely chaos of it all.

Far from inhibiting my behavior, having him there reminded me why I fell in love with parties in the first place. I had a heightened sense of fellowship, love and excitement being with him, and hardly noticed that we did little more than drink along the way. The artificial enhancement of certain substances, while still fun for me, isn't a necessary component now that I have a partner in crime. Being with a group of great friends is a crucial component of enjoying the party, and that hasn't changed with the inclusion of my boyfriend. Again, it only enhances the experience.

We are still in the first few giddy years of our relationship, though. What about the lifers? The guys who are working on their first decade together?

I spoke with Bob, one of the members of the Yahoo Groups listserve Circuit Party Insanity online. Bob has been with Ben for seven years and recently discovered the Circuit with his partner. Navigating a long-term relationship can be tricky enough without being surrounded by hot men hitting on both of you.

"While dancefloor jealousy has appeared a couple of times, usually we can put things into perspective without much drama," Bob said. "Body contact on the floor is always cool; finding a corner to neck in is discouraged; again, because we both really don't need the validation. Has it happened? Why yes, and to both of us; but it's not something either of us really want or need."

Keeping their "unconditional love" in mind at all times, Bob and Ben seem good at two crucial aspects of proper relationship party etiquette-restraint and forgiveness.

"If my partner makes out with a guy, he knows that he is already forgiven," Bob said. "Why? Because I know what is in his heart, trust him completely and know implicitly that he wants the right things for the relationship. I know that it won't go further than the dance floor. Go into the dance with this approach and you can't go wrong."

Mastering the Dance Floor Flirtation

No doubt Bob makes this balancing act seem a bit easier than it really is, but if a couple can master his advice then the party will remain a fulfilling place for both of you.

Again, each couple has its own unique code of conduct with one another, but once you strip past the details it all boils down to simple respect. Respect for your partner and for yourself-the same things that make a marriage work as well.

The unlikely sight of the Castro erupting into party mode to celebrate marriage rights may seem incongruous to some, but to those of us who have learned to experience the joy of a great party with a loved one, it makes perfect sense.

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